A post in the lately nite

Well ya., i try to sleep.,

But spertinya it will take some hours later., :(

When i close my eyes, n feel my heart beats., its sound strange..

Don't know what happened inside., haha..

Mm., try to analyze my self.,

Sorry i write about feeling again..

Make me remember when he said that i'm so 'feel'..

I ask my self, why this 2 years, most of times, the topics i wrote are about feeling.. 

And i find that maybe., it's because i can't share it anywhere.,

Here is my only place., besides my prayers of course..

Why i can share anywhere? 

Yaa., so many reasons., n also it's hard to share this kind of things to people around me.,

It will cause a lot of questions.. N it will make me trapped., so better not..

They are fighting., voices inside me.,

Well., i know why did he do that to me.,

N i really appreciate it., much., more than i can said.,

I have faced it before., n i have did the 'almost' same things before..

Aku mengerti bagaimana dipersalahkan.,

Aku tau bagaimana rasanya melepas orang yg dikasihi..

Aku pernah mengalaminya,

Disalahkan, diikuti, difitnah, dicaci maki oleh orang yg sangat kukasihi., bahkan diputus hubungan oleh keluarganya..

I know how hard is it., n how sad when i blame him for many things.. I have tried., to not tell how hard is it for me., to not angry, or show a crazy things that i did, n try to face him well, treat him well.. But, sometimes its out of control., n hold it also drive me crazy.. Really sorry for that., 

N in other hand, it's like a song i gave to him before.,

Ai yi ke ren., zhang2 yao hen xiao xin..

Bola kristal itu pecah..

Dan kekecewaan, kesedihan,

Tak terungkapkan..

Dan itu belum sembuh., 

jg perasaan yg kurasakan., mm.,

Aku tak bisa mengatakan aku tak menyalahkanmu, namun aku tidak melihat diriku sbg korban.,

Aku juga yg memecahkannya., juga menciptakannya.,

Masalahnya tdk pernah soal siapa yg salah.,

Hanya, bagaimana kristal yg sudah pecah itu? 

Entahlah., aku tidak tau masa dan waktu.,

Ketika hidup tanpa dy pun sudah kujalani 16 bulan.. 

Yang pasti 'hidupku' tetap berjalan., :)

Tidak seperti ketika aku lebih muda,

Wktu itu hidupku terhenti 1-2 tahun..

Aku tak terlalu ingat apa yg kukerjakan wktu itu, hanya banyak menangis dan khawatir yang banyak setiap hari., haha..

Ya artinya hidupku berjalan, dan berkembang.,

Meski tidak sempurna., namun ada 'proses' yg sudah berjalan.,

Bagaimana dgn nya?

Aku tidak tau dan tak berani bertanya.,

Mungkinkah rasa itu masih ada?

Atau sudah berganti dg kekecewaan?

Krn aku berubah menjadi aku yg tdk dy kenal.,

Atau justru ketidaksukaan?

Atau justru tawar?

Don't know., isn't precious, is it? :)

And i dislike make a conclusion., judging.. So let time answer it clearly as well.. 

Well., it's time for rest.,

N get well body.. Be stronger.. :)